The Gentleman Macking
by Accidentally The Whole Fanfic
Summary: Why employ good people skills to get a date, when you can just be a raving douchecanoe instead? But to Allen, it is the finest of romantic arts.


The Gentleman Macking

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Love could melt a cold heart or freeze a warm one, and infatuation could turn even the clever, wise, and self-assured into drooling twits. Nonetheless, there were those who steadfastly believed in the ultimate healing powers of love - they just had no clue how to tap into them, hoping that similarly foolish and weak-willed objects of attraction could strengthen them as one through unity.

Allen Taylor was not one who would openly admit he sought such love. "They come to me," he proclaimed bluntly to his bemused acquaintances. "Once they savor a drop, they thirst for a deluge! AH HA HA HA! Ah... yes..." He smirked and fixed his glasses, shrewdly eyeing Rod Barnes. "You've just got to know how to... shall we say, 'mix the right ingredients'."

"So you're just single because you want to be?" Rod asked earnestly, scratching his head in confusion and missing the flash of rage in his best friend's eyes. "I mean, you sound like you have this stuff all figured out, right?"

"I am a discerning gentleman, my dear, simple Rodney," Allen huffed, slipping his hitching smirk back onto his face with ease. "One doesn't play fast and loose with his talents like a common whore, cupcake. They age, like a fine wine, and their potent aroma... will draw the honeybees to the sweet rose, do you follow me?"

Rod arched an eyebrow. "Have you been talking to Charles...?"

"What?! That's beside the- I have not been talking to him, no!" Allen sputtered, rumpling his neatly-styled red hair in agitation. "Do you want to learn or do you not want to learn?!"

The young blonde boy shook his head slowly, sighing. "Deep breath in, deep breath out," he instructed calmly, the flustered stylist shortly joining him in the soothing rhythm. "A good teacher needs a cool head..."

Allen murmured almost instinctively: "A good teacher needs a c- _stop instructing me!" _Clenching his hands into tight fists, veins throbbing madly, he uttered a frustrated growl. "Fine, then, you delinquent! If lectures just drift above that fluffy blonde head of yours, I suppose we'll need to make the lessons practical! Come!" He stalked out of the salon, muttering darkly to himself as he slammed the door behind him. Rod barely missed getting his nose flattened into a fine paste as he scurried out after his friend.

"Allen, where are we-" Rod gasped in mid-sentence, partly due to running so quickly to catch up with Allen, partly due to realization. "You're finally going to make a move on her?"

"_I will make no moves!" _Allen snapped, rounding on Rod and flinging an arm out dramatically. "Now watch, little tadpole, as the master works his magic without waving his wand at all!"

The two had stopped outside of Chez Clement, bustling with its usual lunch crowd. Excited clamoring and good-natured laughter drifted outside from the open windows as Michelle Weinrecht dazzled and delighted her adoring fans with beautiful illusions. Leaning casually against a nearby streetlight, Allen withdrew a cigarette from the pocket of his overshirt, winking at Rod. In moments, he was puffing away coolly.

"Umm, that's not really h-"

"Shh!" Allen hissed, before leaning back against the streetlight, the cigarette dangling casually from his pursed lips. Down by his pocket, his fingers moved almost imperceptibly, engaging in a methodical countdown, his gaze fixed off to the side of the building.

Right on cue, the door swung open, and a tall blonde girl backed out, waving and bidding goodbye. "I'll see ya after work, Fliss!" Rio Hart called, tipping her cowgirl hat to the cheerful waitress before turning and heading off. "Allen, Rod," she greeted politely, smiling and nodding at the two. "How y'all doin'? You boys grabbin' supper?"

"I have no idea what we're doing!" Rod confessed cheerfully, scratching his head and shrugging. Sharing a laugh with the friendly farmer, he turned to Allen. "Do you?"

"Observing the beautiful scenery," Allen answered smoothly, flicking his cigarette away. His appreciative eyes roved up and down Rio's body quite shamelessly, causing the blonde girl to scowl. "You look just like a sad kitten," he purred, walking up alongside her as she rolled her eyes and set off for her farm, staring straight ahead. Rod stayed behind, looking lost, before eventually heading inside Chez Clement. "Would the tigress let me pet-"

"Not interested," Rio interrupted quickly, her normally-friendly voice suddenly waspish. "Not if that's how you treat a girl."

"I treat a princess like a princess," Allen assured her, slipping an arm around her shoulder.

"I can rip that arm clean off, honey."

Allen chuckled good-naturedly, nonetheless quickly sliding his arm back. "Feisty! You know, though, I really am quite the gentleman if you give me a chance-"

"I shouldn't have to jump through hoops to be treated with common courtesy and respect from the get-go!" Rio snapped, poking Allen hard in the chest with the pointing index finger borne of sheer indignation. "That ain't how it works, Allen! You can't say you'll be _a decent human bein' _only if someone meets a condition for you! You don't see Dunhill or Hana or Rod or Yuri treatin' people like muck! You don't see me doin' it, either! Bad enough Neil thinks he can ask me out after tellin' me to fuck off whenever he sees me-"

"Philistine," Allen grumbled.

"-without _you_ thinkin' I'm that stupid or desperate too! I ain't a toy!"

The sharp _crack_ rent the air - Allen stumbled back, stunned, and holding his cheek.

"I've got some self-respect, Allen," Rio huffed. "I ain't gonna take bein' treated like shit just for a potential mate. Now stay off my property. You trample all over my fields and tell me not to talk to you because you were up late last night jerkin' it or whatever, don't think I don't remember you sayin' it! Git!"

Allen stood there, dumbfounded, as the livid farmer made her way home. The moment she vanished from his line of sight was the moment his rebuttal finally shot from his mouth:

"What a ridiculously gratuitous accent. And yet... why is it so arousing?"

Shrugging, he turned, seeing a stunned witness who had silently observed the entire fight from around the corner of the general store. Her shock quickly faded to a catlike smirk, and her eyes narrowed scornfully. "Nice one."

"Yes, well, we all fail every now and then," Allen explained casually, as though he just hadn't been mercilessly reamed out. "One simply must persevere in such tough times."

"Perseverance is soooo attractive," Michelle giggled, offering her delicately-manicured hand, and blushing when Allen kissed it. "I like that in a guy, you know!" Her words almost sounded musical and airheaded, but Allen could sense the dark, seductive promise lying beneath that honeyed tongue.

"And I like a lady with fine taste," Allen murmured, linking arms with Michelle and heading towards the river in the bloody light of the setting sun. "Come. Let me make love to you by the spring so that the Goddess may envy the beauty of our coupling."

"Allen?" Michelle sighed blissfully as they walked off.

"Yes?"

"Perseverance is also the mark of a fabulous miner..."

"Uh-uhm..."

"...And I have a _terrible_ gag reflex... why, I choke so easily, and it just makes me cry _so _much! So be careful with my delicate body~!"

"...I suppose mining is a beautiful art in itself," Allen mused thoughtfully.

He would regret these words in his final moments when the mine caved in one fateful day. He was clutching a diamond.

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**Author's Notes: **Happy Valentine's Day! Here, I have an anvil for you. It's a really big anvil! You know, that Allen and Michelle deserve each other, of course. Romantic~ (uguu) And that I made Rio southern as hell.


End file.
